Fathers Day

I have to admit I am not a huge contributor to the blog world. But since it is Fathers Day, and me and Em are juggling kids and naps at church, I happen to be home alone waiting for Eleyna to wake up, and Em instructed me to post.
I've often wondered how it would be if Hunter wasn't my first child, how would it be if he had older brothers and sisters? I am sometimes jealous of other families with special kids who have older siblings that can love them as well. But I have to admit, I like it how it has landed for us. I loved being able to dedicate his first two years to only him. It is surely fun now, and I know he loves his sister, but it is definately harder juggling two kids and still feeling like he gets the attention he needs. Sometimes you miss things, even though the amount of hours caregiving seem like they should be plenty.
I am so glad my special boy made me a Father forever on 4-21-06. I think I have said that date over 1000 times as we check in at doctors and hospitals. But today I would like to shout for joy saying that date. Every day I get with my boy is another day he teaches me about being a Father. The sense of urgency he has instilled in me to spend every minute I can with him, as the days are numbered, has passed along to his sister as well, and future kids. He has taught me that while most Husbands are trying to further their career, going back to school for a Masters or other degree, or otherwise putting in long hours away from their families, this Father needs to be at home every night being a Father. I am proud to say I can probably count the nights I haven't been home on my fingers. When we bought our new home six months ago, there was a lot of work to do, which meant some late nights of me working a few blocks from the family. And I have to say, only about a month into it, the whole family fell apart. Hunter was having an unbelievably difficult time, throwing up every day, Emily was going nuts more or less trying to take care of him, and Eleyna was begging attention as well, and I was missing out on Eleyna's little miracles, crawling, rolling over, etc. We had never tried that before, having Dad gone more than a night here or there. When we finally moved into our new house, and Dad was once again available every night to do Hunter's care and snuggle on the couch and put him asleep, he was fine. And I don't mean a couple weeks later he was fine, it was after the first night we spent at the new house, the very next day things were better, just like that. Em always jokes with me at how much I'm needed. Our Dads sure didn't help out with young kids , and we all turned out fine. In fact, I don't know that either of our fathers ever changed a diaper, and I think they both had simultaneous heart attacks when our Moms were called into young womens and were going to be gone one night a week. What can a Dad do, when all there is to do is change diapers, nurse, and clean faces? Well, as any other Dad knows that has a special kid, there is a lot to do. From helping your newborn learn how to nurse, to changing a clogged button, to the long nights sucking snot out so your kid can breathe, and the list goes on.
I dont know how else I would have learned these valuable lessons of fahterhood without the help from my little boy. I'm sure Em and I would have been a very typical couple, not necessarily doing anything wrong, but just moving along in life. Because I became a Father on 4-21-06, I watch my little 1 year old girl learn to walk and talk and I want to be there for every moment. What a miracle every little accomplishment is. I am very greatful to be a Father and for both my kids. They are both two little precious spirits on loan from Heaven that I get to spend as much time as possible with. I am also greatful for an amazing wife who makes this all possible.
Fathers Day 2009 -Bryson-

Boating

Today I got to go out on Big D's (that's my grandpa) new boat for the first time. I looked happy and relaxed the whole afternoon. I enjoyed the feeling of the wind on my face while the boat was moving. When the boat wasn't moving the waves rocked it gently and I liked that too. My face got pretty red a few times because it was really sunny and warm today and I have a hard time sweating. My dad let me dangle my feet in the lake water to cool down but I didn't like it. Even though the air was warm the water was still pretty cold. I had a nice comfy spot to kick it on the seat near my mom and sister while we pulled everybody around on the wakeboard. My mom forgot her camera so you'll just have to take my word for it. I can't wait for our next boating trip!

Kids say the darnest things...

Bryson and I teach the five year old Primary class in our ward. We are still fairly new to the calling. A few Sundays ago a little boy who hadn't been to class since we became the teachers was there for the first time. He was fascinated by Hunter in his wheelchair. He asked me what was wrong with Hunter. Before I could explain one of the little girls in our class said, "Well, it's like he's dead, but he isn't."I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The Nursery

I didn't keep a blog or a journal for nearly the first two years of Hunter's life. I want to take the opportunity now to record some of the experiences and feelings that ensued after learning of Hunter's condition.

When I got pregnant with Hunter, Bry and I were so thrilled. A couple of months into the pregnancy we bought our first house. It was an older home in need of a lot of remodeling love. Priority number one was the nursery. My husband is a builder and a creative genius. I think I can safely say he has never tackled a project with as much enthusiasm as this nursery. Bryson did everything himself. He stripped the room down to nothing and then put it back together again. We spent several Saturdays picking out the crib and bedding which Bryson then matched his paint colors to. It tooks hours and hours of work. While Bry worked I would often stand in the doorway and talk to him. We had so many hopes and dreams wrapped up in that nursery.

In the days following Hunter's diagnosis my mind returned often to those happy, hopeful weeks we spent working on the nursery. Every time I thought about it the pain overwhelmed me. All the longings that every parent has for their firstborn child seemed to be embodied by that room. I hated to think of all of the love and effort we had put into the project, just to see it shattered to pieces. None of the things we imagined doing with our little boy were going to happen. The little boy we imagined would live and grow up in that room was gone.

It took me a very long time to stop feeling like I was cheated somehow. I hated remebering how naive we were and of the cruel way the rug was ripped out from under our feet.

My heart only feels tenderness for Hunter's nursery now. So many precious moments with my first little baby happened there. So many snuggles and kisses. Because of its dim lighting, darker paint colors and location in our home, it turned out to be the perfect retreat for our little boy when he needed to take a break from the bright lights and noise of the world.

I'm so grateful for my Savior and for the way He healed my heartbreak over that room. Jesus Christ is the reason I can move forward with hope for the realization of all the dreams we had for Hunter.

The Works of God

I've been thinking about starting a blog just for Hunter for awhile now. I need a forum to talk about what Hunter's life is like (and also mine as the caregiver) day to day. I try to keep things light and happy on our family blog, but sometimes the real scoop doesn't fall under the "light and happy" category. Hunter's life has been a combination of some low valleys and some beautiful mountaintops. I need to be able to write frankly about both.

I got the title for Hunter's blog from a talk by President James E. Faust from the October 1984 General Conference. (Incidentally, that is the month and year I was born.) The entire talk is a must read if you are the parent of a disabled child. I want to post a few of my favorite excerpts.

"With a prayer in my heart for understanding, and with some timidity, I speak today concerning parents and children with special problems. I do so because I am persuaded that these extraordinary challenges are, as the Savior himself said, that 'the works of God should be made manifest.' (John 9:3.) How these challenges are met can often be the expression of the very essence of the gospel of Christ."

"I wish to say a word of appreciation for those among us who struggle with handicaps, and impart a message of comfort to their families, especially to the parents. Where in all of the world is the son or daughter of God who is totally without blemish? Is life not worth living if it is not perfect? Do not the people with handicaps also bring their own gifts to life—and to others who are free of those handicaps—in a manner that cannot come in any other way? There is hardly a family without one of its members who might be considered physically or mentally diminished. I have a great appreciation for those loving parents who stoically bear and overcome their anguish and heartbreak for a child who was born with or who has developed a serious mental or physical infirmity. This anguish often continues every day, without relief, during the lifetime of the parent or the child. Not infrequently, parents are required to give superhuman nurturing care that never ceases, day or night. Many a mother’s (and father's) arms and heart have ached years on end, giving comfort and relieving the suffering of her (their) special child."

"Surely more sharing of the burden will contribute to the emotional salvation of the person who is the primary caregiver. Just an hour of help now and then would be appreciated. One mother of a child who is handicapped said, 'I could never dream of going to Hawaii on a vacation; all I can hope for is to have an evening away from home.'"

(Thank you to everyone who contributes to our emotional salvation, one evening at a time.)

"The care of those who are diminished is a special service rendered to the Master himself, for 'inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these … , ye have done it unto me.' (Matt. 25:40.)"

"Those who are close to the handicapped can frequently feel the nobility of the spirits who are confined in differently shaped bodies or who have crippled minds."

I'm grateful to be a member of a church with leaders that, by the power of the Holy Ghost, can deliver Heavenly Father's messages to His children on earth. I was greatly comforted and strengthened by this talk. I believe that Heavenly Father and the Savior are manifest in Hunter. I think others feel this when they spend time with him. I know Hunter has brought something of indescribable, eternal worth to our home. I'm trying to be the kind of mother a perfect child deserves. Thank goodness for the Lord's help with that!