The Nursery

I didn't keep a blog or a journal for nearly the first two years of Hunter's life. I want to take the opportunity now to record some of the experiences and feelings that ensued after learning of Hunter's condition.

When I got pregnant with Hunter, Bry and I were so thrilled. A couple of months into the pregnancy we bought our first house. It was an older home in need of a lot of remodeling love. Priority number one was the nursery. My husband is a builder and a creative genius. I think I can safely say he has never tackled a project with as much enthusiasm as this nursery. Bryson did everything himself. He stripped the room down to nothing and then put it back together again. We spent several Saturdays picking out the crib and bedding which Bryson then matched his paint colors to. It tooks hours and hours of work. While Bry worked I would often stand in the doorway and talk to him. We had so many hopes and dreams wrapped up in that nursery.

In the days following Hunter's diagnosis my mind returned often to those happy, hopeful weeks we spent working on the nursery. Every time I thought about it the pain overwhelmed me. All the longings that every parent has for their firstborn child seemed to be embodied by that room. I hated to think of all of the love and effort we had put into the project, just to see it shattered to pieces. None of the things we imagined doing with our little boy were going to happen. The little boy we imagined would live and grow up in that room was gone.

It took me a very long time to stop feeling like I was cheated somehow. I hated remebering how naive we were and of the cruel way the rug was ripped out from under our feet.

My heart only feels tenderness for Hunter's nursery now. So many precious moments with my first little baby happened there. So many snuggles and kisses. Because of its dim lighting, darker paint colors and location in our home, it turned out to be the perfect retreat for our little boy when he needed to take a break from the bright lights and noise of the world.

I'm so grateful for my Savior and for the way He healed my heartbreak over that room. Jesus Christ is the reason I can move forward with hope for the realization of all the dreams we had for Hunter.